Grief carries many emotions, but two of the most painful—and often confusing—are guilt and regret. They whisper in your mind late at night, replaying moments over and over. I should have called more. Why didn’t I visit that day? I should have done something differently. These thoughts can consume you, making it seem impossible to move forward.

I remember working with a woman named Melissa, who lost her mother after a long battle with illness. Melissa had been her mother’s primary caregiver, but one night, exhausted and emotionally drained, she left the hospital early to rest. The next morning, she got the call—her mother had passed. She told me, “I should have stayed. She died alone. What kind of daughter leaves?” The guilt in her voice was overwhelming, as if she believed she could have changed the inevitable.

Then there was Tom, who lost his childhood best friend, David. They hadn’t spoken much in the past few years—life had simply gotten busy. After David passed, Tom sat with deep regret, saying, “I always told myself I’d call him next week. Next week never came.” He didn’t blame himself for David’s death, but he grieved the missed opportunities, the conversations that would never happen.

Both Melissa and Tom were in pain, but their emotions were different. Melissa felt guilt—she believed she had done something wrong. Tom felt regret—he wished he had done something differently. Understanding this difference is key to healing.

The Difference Between Guilt and Regret in Grief

• Guilt is the belief that you directly caused harm or failed in your responsibility.
• Regret is the sadness of missed opportunities or wishing things had been different.
• Guilt makes you feel like you should be punished.
• Regret makes you long for another chance to change the past.
• Guilt often leads to self-blame and shame.
• Regret can lead to sadness but also growth and perspective.

How to Let Go of Guilt and Regret in Grief

If guilt or regret are keeping you stuck in your grief, here are actionable steps to help you release them and find healing:

1. Separate Reality from Emotion

• Ask yourself: “Did I truly have control over what happened?”
• Often, the answer is no—grief distorts reality, making us feel responsible for things we could never control.

2. Write a Letter to Your Loved One

• Express the guilt or regret you’re holding onto.
• Apologize if you need to, but also allow self-forgiveness.
• Imagine how they would respond—would they want you to suffer?

3. Honor Their Memory Instead of Punishing Yourself

• Instead of drowning in guilt, channel your love into action:
  • Share their stories with others.
  • Donate to a cause they cared about.
  • Carry forward something they taught you.

4. Talk About It in a Safe Space

• Keeping guilt and regret inside makes them grow.
• Speak with someone who understands—grief support groups, therapy, or trusted friends.
• Join me live on TikTok, where we discuss real grief without judgment.

5. Give Yourself the Compassion You’d Give a Friend

• If your best friend told you they felt guilty about something like this, what would you say?
• You’d tell them they did their best.
• You’d tell them their love was enough—so tell yourself the same.

You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone

If you’re struggling with guilt or regret after loss, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is space for your pain, and there is a path toward healing.

💬 Join me, Sharon Brubaker, live on TikTok, where we have open conversations about guilt, regret, and moving forward without forgetting.

📌 Be part of The Grief School Facebook group, where people who have walked this journey support each other through every step.

Your grief is real. Your emotions are valid. But you do not have to punish yourself to prove your love. Your love was enough. You were enough.